Pre-Autism (Part 3)

I’m sorry, Ms. Vazquez, I only see one baby

A wave of mixed feelings rushed over me. I felt both relieved and guilty at the same time. Had I caused this by not taking care of myself (or them), or was this some sort of punishment for not wanting to be pregnant at all? I quickly thought of many women in life who were currently dealing with infertility, who would have LOVED to be pregnant with one baby, let alone twins. Yep, there’s the guilt–I carried it deeply for quite some time.

I had experienced “vanishing twin syndrome”, where Baby B, literally miscarried and absorbed, while I had no symptoms and felt nothing. I knew my family and friends were going to be devastated but looking back, I have no doubt this was part of the bigger plan for our family. The idea of “2 Judes” literally gives me the shakes and I believe God knew I would not have been able to handle that. I also believe this was a way to make we start viewing this pregnancy with gratitude instead of frustration.

July 28^th 2014

40 weeks. Come and gone. Still pregnant.

You know those women who are gorgeous during pregnancy, take “pregnancy photo shoots” and gain, like 6 pounds? Yeah well, I’m not one of them. I had insane swelling (likely because I still traveled for work up until 33 weeks). I’s all fun and games until an airplane seat belt doesn’t fit and you’re offered the extender… (that was my new low point).

I gained…literally 65 pounds… I went from doing Crossfit 4 days a week and running Spartan races, to sad man sweat-pants from Walmart. Not one piece of my gorgeous, tailored wardrobe fit anymore and it had been replaced with maxi skirts and those sad “shift dresses” that I mock my mother for wearing. Oh, and did you notice it was late July? In DC. The sweating was, NOT CUTE.

The Saturday before my scheduled induction, we went to a friend’s house for a BBQ. I was laying in a chaise lounge, staring at what used to be my ankles, when another pregnant woman walked by (I had heard her saying her due date was in a few weeks) and I sat, in awe, as she proceeded to sit “indian-style” in the grass, eating from a plate. I decided to go get my own plate, and literally couldn’t get up out of the chaise. I kept rocking back and forth like a beached sea-lion, until the chaise tipped enough for me to catch my feet (THIS was my new low point).

I was SOOOO ready to not be pregnant.

My induction was scheduled for July 28^th and we were to arrive at the hospital by 6 a.m.

Joey went to park (and emerged 20 minutes later, elated that he got a “Joey” Coke bottle from the machine) and while I waited the nurse gave me the paperwork on “c-sections”… IN ESPANOL… I mean, really? I know my last name is Vazquez, I’m gonna need the information in ENGLISH. Also, I’m not here for a c-section, it’s an induction. Looking back, this nurse was probably laughing with all her friends at the station… I can hear her saying “sure you are sweetie, go right ahead with you induction, LOL…”

I hit the Pitocin train at 7a.m. and rode it until about 7p.m. that night… no drugs… ALL the contractions… no progress.
My doctor ordered Cervidil to be added to my torment and headed home for the night and said he’d check in the morning. Guess what? 7am—no progress. Like ZERO. 24 hours in and nothing to show for it! At this point, I’m actually annoyed.

I asked them to crank up the Pitocin to the legal limit–They had me sign a paper (never a good sign).

At 5pm, 34 hours in, my doctor came in, I assumed to tell me that they ran out of Pitocin in the whole world, but NO… he checked me again… literally 0. He made the call–I couldn’t go on and it was time to declare Pitocin the winner–It had won.
I headed to the OR (which by the way, can we discuss for a second, how you’re laying on a bed WITH wheels, but you have to WALK to the O.R?!) seems that should be changed.

Jude Lorenzo Vazquez was born on July 29, 2014 at 5:32pm at 6lbs 14oz.

Early motherhood was not good to me. Jude screamed ALL.THE.TIME. I took a total of 4 weeks off for “maternity leave” and because I ignorantly thought that the earth would stop turning if I wasn’t working, I did the only thing I could…. Same job, same work, with a newborn in tow. I took Jude to every meeting, and traveled to 4 conferences by the time he was 12 weeks old (his very first on-site was at only 6 weeks old). Customers and colleagues would hold him while I worked and was trying to do it all…

My life, that I knew, was 100% gone. Nothing was the same and while I loved Jude so much, I hated it! (if you’re keeping track… 3 levels down, NEW low point…pumping in an airplane bathroom!) That was SUPER fun, said no one, ever. I was so frustrated why Jude would not get on board with a schedule, looking back, it’s NO WONDER. I was trying to force him to be scheduled, while riding a terrible roller coaster. Several wiser women in my life at this time, tried to tell me this, but I didn’t listen.

NOTICE!: I’m still not learning the lesson that God is trying to teach me, which is to slow down, prioritize, and stop idolizing work.

November 28, 2014

We move from DC to Charleston, SC the day after Thanksgiving 2014 when he was 4 months old and that night, was the first time he slept through the night. (but just to keep us on our toes, he finished his reign of screaming with a 8-hour screaming car ride from DC to Charleston). My nightmare had ended! We decided with this move, that we had to get back into church, faithfully, and start to make some “life changes”. We started building our house and joined a church that was a great fit for us, with lots of young families with kids. Through that church, we met a great girl who we hired as a full-time nanny for Jude. Jude was actually a very sweet and social baby from 4-18 mos. He was sleeping great, eating great, and I finally started to gain a good work-life-motherhood balance…everything was looking up and I thought I had FINALLY arrived at the “perfect life”. Hannah had Jude doing full ABCs and reciting whole bible verses (at 18 mos!) and he seemed already like he was SO SMART. She got engaged in the fall of 2016, as did my brother-in-law.

Jude did back-to-back ring bearer duty in January 2017 and that was challenging!!!

I was starting to see some serious defiance issues with him. Joey and I had discussed our plans for childcare, now that we had lost his nanny, and I remember thinking, I really feel like he needs to be around some other kids. I decided to “stay home” with him while we were wait-listed at a daycare because I wanted to have an intense “behavior bootcamp” with him to try to correct some of the things were were noticing.