Pre-Autism (Part 2)

December 5, 2013

I stayed up all night drinking my delightful MoviPrep (this was apparently before the GI industry discovered the “drink your favorite Gatorade flavor + 1 full bottle of Miralax” option). It was like drinking clear, berry flavored motor oil. TO THIS DAY I can recall the taste and it immediately triggers a gag reflex. I sat on the couch, clicking away on my laptop and watching the Barefoot Contessa, dreaming about eating. I was planning a super-awesome customer retreat that I was hosting the following weekend–I remember thinking it was so annoying to have this colonoscopy right in the middle of both the retreat planning and my favorite holiday, but oh well, it had to be done.

I was reading the spa treatment menu when my prep started.. “working”…

By the time Joey woke up, I felt like I had been turned inside out and run over! As I pulled on my yoga pants and sweatshirt, I mumbled to him, “I will NEVER do this again!”

We arrived at the GI center early and they took me right back; I didn’t remember that I hadn’t said bye to Joey or kissed him. I changed into my robe and listened to the doctor talk through the procedure. Although I was miserable and starving, I was actually excited to be put under. With my relentless travel schedule, jumping time zones so frequently, I had developed a serious insomnia problem, so the “drug induced sleep” was appealing to me.
The curtain pulled back and the anesthesiologist introduced himself. He was HUGE. Like American Gladiator/The Hulk huge. He gave me the information about the good stuff and said very “off the cuff”, you’re not pregnant are you? I chuckled– No, I laughed out loud. I assured him I was not while I thought over my last month–I wasn’t even hardly home the entire month. But FOR SURE NO. He said, “ok I just have to ask and we actually need to get a urine test from any woman under 35, sorry its policy”… I snatched the cup, rolled my eyes, did my best and returned to my chair.

About 10 minutes later, Captain America anesthesiologist opened my curtain.

I will NEVER forget what happened next..

He knelt down so we were eye-level and said very cheerfully, “sooooooo, we can’t do the procedure today… because you’re pregnant!”

I sat there just blinking for a second. I was SO sure he was mistaken. Then I had a moment of clarity… OH YOU’RE JOKING!… Like, someone is filming me laughing… Joey maybe? our friends?

I remember saying to him “WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT?!… WHO IS MESSING WITH ME?” (I feel I repeated that several times, each time more convinced and annoyed).

All of the sudden, the room was spinning…and I clearly remember him saying, “Ma’am I don’t know you! No one is joking or pranking you… (long awkward pause)…is there anyone here with you?” (Joey recounted later that when they came to get him, he thought I was wanting to say goodbye and kiss him, prior to be put under LOL!)

Long (and hilarious) story short, after a quick trip for a blood test, I was in fact, very pregnant. Fast forward 10 days… It’s the day prior to my super-awesome customer retreat. I went for my first ultrasound. Here’s a quick recap…

(Me arriving at the maternal medicine building)

“Ugh. Seriously. No parking! Why is there no valet here?!”
Made my way up the elevator and entered a waiting room PACKED with pregnant women…. 30 mins…. 45 mins… (me tapping on the glass).. “Hi, is there a manager? I had an appointment 45 mins ago and I’m kind of late for a thing…” I could definitely hear people behind me snickering. (NOW I know that no one really knows or understands the scheduling ways of the OBGYN 😉 )

I finally got called back, and the tech enters, with that I’m going to call the most overwhelming welcome bag ever! It was full of coupons, diaper samples, wipes, these weird circle cotton pads, a gazillion pamphlets, and a 4-pack of these tiny bottles of formula. I picked it up from the top of the bag… I thought, do I drink this now? I’m so confused why they’re giving me all this?!

The tech walks me through what she’s about to do. I felt sick. She starts the procedure and I’m staring at the ceiling when I hear a very clear “HUH!” I shoot my gaze towards her… “What is HUH?? What’s that mean!?” (Total transparency, I’m thinking, maybe this was a false alarm!? I hoped so!)

She turns the screen towards me and says “Do you know what this is?…(me: blank stare)…NOPE.

“It’s TWO heart beats!”

I sat straight up!

“WHATTTT?!!!? Are you sure?! Are you a doctor?…Go get a doctor!”( In my head… I’m repeating, she’s just a tech…she’s just a tech… she’s just a tech).

30 minutes later, my terrible welcome bag dragging behind me, I made it to my car and called Joey.
I could barely hold back my mix of tears and rage as I spoke the word… “TWINS”. He was screaming and laughing; as I went to hang up, I could hear the sounds of “high-fives” between him and his work buddies. We were clearly processing this two completely different ways.

I made it through my customer retreat with no one knowing. We made it through Christmas and told both our families. I was secretly so devastated still, but I felt I was hiding it well.