Pre-Autism (Final Part)

January 2, 2017.

I was at Chick-fil-A with my older sister, Jill. I still remember the booth in which we sat, mindlessly chatting while the kids played in the play-place to our left. At some point, the conversation turned a bit quiet and serious. I am positive that there was an earlier conversation between her and my younger sister, Emily that ended with some sort of resolution pact like “ok, so it’s decided that YOU’RE going to talk to Mer about Jude after we all leave”… Jill is always the one that’s chosen, between the three of us, to deliver bad news. She has the perfect mix of kindness, tact and being a schmuck to make her the perfect choice for delivering tough messages.

The conversation went something like this:

Jill: I need to talk to you about something, but I’m really nervous you’re going to be hurt or take this the wrong way”
Me: highly unlikely, but ok, go ahead…
Jill: I think Jude is really delayed in his speech development and I don’t think you are seeing it
Me: when are kids supposed to talk? Should he be? (he’s 2 1/2) I do notice that he’s not talking as much as Emory, who’s his same age, but they always say not to compare girls and boys right?
Jill: He should be at least trying to talk and putting basic words together, but I know he’s an only child and its hard to gauge if/when they’re behind. I think he could really benefit from some speech therapy.
*NOTE (I’ll unpack this more in future posts): If/When a family member or friend comes to you with an observation or concern about your child, this is a pivotal moment for you and them. ASK YOURSELF: does this person love my child? If the answer to that is yes, listen to them. It’s not an attack on your parenting! Its like, when you’re losing weight and you don’t see the inches that are coming off, because you see yourself daily. Then someone sees you in a month and WOW, they have a very helpful perspective, because they’re not around you daily. You are with your child DAILY if not HOURLY and its hard to see red flags. Try to see how much courage that it took for that person to approach you. Don’t make them regret this conversation, or worse do irreparable damage to your relationship, because trust me, when/if a diagnosis comes your way for your child, you will need every single person who loves your kid, in your corner. The autism journey is a marathon-don’t hurt a teammate at the starting line.

I left Chick-fil-a, not disagreeing with her, but not knowing what to do? Jude was so challenging and despite disciplining him constantly (using different and creative methods) he was not getting any better, in fact, he was actively regressing. The only thing, I did know, was that, we should not hire another nanny–he needs to be around other kids ASAP.

We placed Jude on the wait list of a Montessori preschool and knew we had about an 8-10 week wait. I decided to slow down on a work some and stay with him and start an intense behavior adjustment boot camp. I was so determined, I was going to cure him of this defiance and pitching fits because I would not be embarrassed at the preschool like this. Nearly every.single.day we fought round and round over nearly everything you can imagine. I would give him commands and he would stare at me like I was Dori, “speaking whale”, from Finding Nemo. We were NOT on the same page. We weren’t even reading the same book!

One particular day, I was attempting to get him to say “please”. Not hard, right?! I would repeat “say please” and he would refuse. I would repeat it and he would scream… this went on for, no joke, 2 hours! I had drawn a line in the sand, that he was GOING TO SAY PLEASE, and I was not going to back down. Neither was he. After 2 hours of punishment, bribery, positive reinforcement, begging, joking, timeout– He would NOT say it. Realizing that I was now operating 100% out of anger, I plopped him on his bed, and left him sobbing. “You can come out when you’re ready to say Please!” and I left. I sat outside his door, literally seething and repeating “what is wrong with this kid?!” over and over.

Situations like this repeated over and over and over that entire 2 1/2 months. I was so frustrated and weary and started to dread every day being around him.

It was also during this time, that he changed from being a great eater, to THE. WORST. All of the sudden he wouldn’t try anything. Things he used to love, now he screamed and hated. He would gag and throw up EVERYTHING that wasn’t: chicken, grapes, yogurt or cheese-sticks (but only white!). I would get so frustrated with the puking! It was maddening to me. (Note* All kids are picky and gag on food. BUT if your child is gagging on literally everything, that’s a big red flag of sensory issues and they likely need OT-Occupational Therapy).

Just when I felt that Jude and I were never going to get it together–we got the call! The wait was over and he was starting at the preschool the following Monday. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

March 20, 2017

Jude started at the Montessori preschool and I was so excited. I personally love the Montessori style learning, and think I would have thrived in that atmosphere as a child. Joey was less than excited with it, he didn’t love the “freestyle” of teaching and learning and would have preferred a much more structured atmosphere, but we both thought Jude would enjoy it. It was only 9a-1p but I was so excited! I got to go back to the gym, work more, and it felt amazing to have the break!

I received an email on April 27th requesting a parent-teacher meeting with the director… If you’re counting… that’s exactly 5 weeks…
The email had an attachment for “ABC data” and she stated that she would explain it to me during the meeting, tomorrow.

ABC data? Hmmm? That sounds like something smart? Advanced maybe? I bet they’re going to tell us that Jude is like a genius and they’re moving him up, or something like that…

April 28, 2017

“Well, first of all, Jude is just a gorgeous child… “

UH.OH. I know the compliment sandwich, when I hear it… I flashed a look at Joey and starting gripped the chair in which I was sitting.

“But… (her words were slow…) He’s a CHALLENGE. And we have some real concerns regarding his development and our ability to control him… blah blah blah…she drifted off…

(She wasn’t saying anything I didn’t already know and I felt myself turning off my listening ears… I KNOW he’s challenging and hard to control, that’s why I have him here!!!)

I looked at the table where his file lay in front of her, her hands folded on top of it. I snapped back to reality with a glance at Joey’s eyes, which had “I’m done here” written boldly on them. I started to hear her voice again… “so, that’s what we’re recommending for Jude…”

I’m just sitting there staring at her. “So, the ABC paper was not a good thing?”…

She obviously could tell she needed to repeat herself:

“We feel you need to take Jude for a full developmental screening, and very soon. The ABC data, stands for Antecedent, Behavior and Consequence. Every time he has a meltdown, you need to document it on that sheet. They will want that data at the screening.”
Oh goody. I get to live through the constant meltdowns and then do paperwork on them! (eye roll)

She continued, “and so, if you want to keep him here, he’ll need to have a full-time aide with him for his safety and the safety of the other kids and teachers”

(false relief rushed over me)”Oh… ok!!! Where do I buy that? Is there a place that just hires out aides? Do you look on a website or is there a place to go to?”

“Mrs Vazquez, we don’t do anything with hiring/finding aides, but that would need to start with getting Jude tested right away.”

We left with papers they supplied to us from BabyNet, and the last words that she said to me as we walked out, were: